Where I've Been, Part Two: The Story of Love

I am loved.

The power of that phrase and believing it, is overwhelming.  But, I do believe it.  Now I believe it.  I am loved.  And I love.  This is probably the hardest concept to get across without sounding elitist or like some horribly unsatisfying romance movie that tells no truth but all fantasy.  That is dangerous.  I am no expert.  There are no experts.  There is only experience-- it can only be learned through living and losing (in my opinion, of course. Like I said, I'm no expert).  That is what I've learned.

The fantasy is ...happily ever after.  And the truth, well, the truth is far more complicated than those three satisfying words.  The truth is joy through heartache, love through constant work, peace through conflict.  Even then, truth is more than that.  It's complication, timing, sacrifice, trust, fear, hope, failure, laughter and tears.  And even then, so much more.

For the longest time, I thought love was the fantasy; easy, romantic... the slow motion of her movements across the room, locking eyes and falling in a love that would last forever with nothing bad ever happening.  Ever.  What a fool I was.  But, I was young.  I wanted love and didn't know what that was.  I just wanted it.

Because of that, I failed a couple relationships.  I hurt and I was hurt.

But, I don't want to focus on failures.  At least not right now.  It's not the Where I've been I want to focus on, it's not the purpose for today.

The purpose for today is to share what I'm learning about myself and about the things that have saved me in my own journey.  

I learned that I longed for love from others but not from God and not from myself.  How fulfilled can you be when you don't love who created you or the person He created in you?  How can you possibly love another person when you hold yourself at such low esteem.  I learned that the hard way and am still learning that.  It's still hard for me to be loved and to feel worthy of that love, whether it's from myself, God or anyone else.  I think the one thing this world is exceptional at is tearing down the goodness we have in ourselves and replacing it with inadequacies, self hatred and worthlessness.  As C.S. Lewis described it in Perelandra, "All beautiful on the surface, but down inside-- darkness, heat, horror and stink."

So, I stopped looking in this world.  I spent years reworking how I felt (and sometimes I still feel it but as I've mentioned before, healing is a process of a lifetime) about myself and reconnecting with the beauty that I've been given in life.  It surrounds me and all of us every day! We just lose it because it gets drowned out by everything else in this world and we lose sight of where we were looking.  I started loving myself again.  I started feeling confidant in who I am.  I wasn't worried about who I was pleasing or not pleasing or offending or not offending, I wasn't worried about who would ever love me because I was slowly coming to realize that God really does love...me.

I gave up looking for the fulfillment of earthly love because I was filled with spiritual love.  His love.

Then, out of nowhere... There she was.  He sent me someone to share this life with whether I felt ready for it or not. And, what is most amazing about that?  She went through almost the exact same process as I did.  We worked to understand first God, then ourselves and others.  Simple as that.  

Love is redemption.  God loves all of us.  We love ourselves and each other because of that.

I am loved.  She is loved.  We are loved, all of us.  Because He is Love.

Brice

Where I've Been, Part One: The Story of a Boy

I've had three fathers.  The first, God. The second, biological. And, the third, a step father.  All these relationships have their own stories, their own downfalls, their own redemptions and their own grace.

Over the past five years or so, I have been "in process" of relying on, seeking out, and letting go (in that order).  It has been-- for lack of a better word-- hard.  There is a lot of healing happening which is always amazing, but it takes work.  And it's a lonely job.

I was a boy...alone.  In time, I came to know that, in my childhood, I was protected and distracted from the difficulties surrounding me.  So, I really wasn't alone.  A better way for me to look at that time would be watched over.  There was a peaceful presence.  I couldn't tangibly feel it, see it or hear it, but it was there...watching, leading... I came to understand this later in my early thirties.  Time brings clarity to everything.  Eventually.  What I see clearly is that my first Father was always there; my silent God, but strong and evident.  

I have taken Jeremiah 6:16 to heart, which says, 

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." 

Over the past few years, I've read several books relating to the topic of fatherlessness and viewing God as Father.  The Jeremiah quote is from John Eldridge's Fathered by God.  It, and Fatherless Generation by John Sowers, along with Donald Miller's To Own a Dragon, have been instrumental in this journey of reconnecting with God as Father as well as opening myself up to what manhood truly looks like through a biblical perspective.  

The really cool thing is that, in this journey, I've reconnected with my biological father.  A few years ago, I was approached with the possibility and was lucky enough to have some good people and mentors in my life to help me figure it out.  I don't regret it.  I have enjoyed the hard and slow process of relearning everything about him (and him relearning everything about me).  It's difficult but the best things in life don't come easy and are worked for over time. I'm looking forward to where this goes.

So, there's been growth.  There's been healing and beginnings of healing-- we all know this is constant. And, with all things good and growing, there are those that must be released and lost.  This is the sad truth with my step father.  So, I have let him go.  I pray for him with forgiveness, not forgetting, and hope that the good in him wins.  There is darkness there.  We all have it.  But, we all don't have to have it.

It's been a long, hard and tattered road with boulders and sinkholes and drifts.  I've come a long way and I'm still walking, still climbing and pushing through.  If any of you can relate, I hope you can too.  Keep moving, keep taking steps.

And for all you fathers out there who aren't estranged from your children, I say this: Thank you.  Keep loving them and being present.  Show them the truth.  Be love.  Take it up a notch.

Brice

First steps. Again.

Every journey begins with being brave enough to move; to propel yourself forward, lifting your leg and setting your foot down into what will be your first step.  Sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes the circumstances you are in are ones that you just can't wait to get away from and start anew. But, sometimes, it's hard.  Sometimes fear grips that ability to propel yourself.  Sometimes it keeps that leg from lifting and taking that one simple step.  Sometimes... it just takes awhile to gather the courage you need to take a breath and move.

So, here I am.  I'm taking my first step.  Again.

Starting over in anything is frightening every time.  I've lost count of which start over i'm on but I know it's been a lot.  Honestly, all I need to give that step forward to is this new one.  All the others got me here but they are already taken.  They are the past.  They are my mistakes and my failures; my weaknesses and my losses.  This step is new and so am I.

Most of you don't know me.  And, depending on where this blog ends up, some of you will know me (hello!).  None of you truly know my journey and what it has taken me to get here.  None of you will know what it will take to get me to where I'm going.  There will be a select few who will be standing by me (as I stand by them in their own journeys) in what lies ahead for me and to those few I say, "Thank you".  You've become the very thing that God knew I needed.  And here we go.

So what's next?  Well, I don't know.  I'm ready to see where this first step takes me.

Relationally, I'm getting married in May and I can't wait to share the rest of our lives and our own journey together and with God.  By the way, being that I'm 40, I never thought I would ever find someone for me.  Just when I had given up and became all right with the idea of singleness for the rest of my life, BOOM! There she was.  She is an incredible blessing.  And I'm thankful.  I'll write more about that story another day.

Also, I want to connect with you.  Old friends and new.  At least as much as I can and as much as any of us can.  I'm sure we can give and receive plenty of grace as we attempt to do this.

Creatively, I hope to stretch and better my writing and perhaps finish some or any of the stories I have rolling around my brain-case.  I think I have some good ideas up there.  Maybe you can help me figure out if they are or not.  And maybe I can help you with yours? If you are writing as well, that is.  If you're scratching my creative back, then I should be scratching yours!

Spiritually,  I'm continually growing.  Anyone who says they've got it all figured out is flat out lying.  No one is perfect on this earth and everyone needs help to get past and keep moving beyond their own stuff.  Again, you help me.  I help you.  In community we will be.

In closing, I can say that I don't really know what I'll be writing about.  Just life and stories in some form or another.  Just me.  And you.  Us.  I hope that works.

First step taken.  Now, on to that second one... whew...

Brice