Where I've Been, Part Two: The Story of Love

I am loved.

The power of that phrase and believing it, is overwhelming.  But, I do believe it.  Now I believe it.  I am loved.  And I love.  This is probably the hardest concept to get across without sounding elitist or like some horribly unsatisfying romance movie that tells no truth but all fantasy.  That is dangerous.  I am no expert.  There are no experts.  There is only experience-- it can only be learned through living and losing (in my opinion, of course. Like I said, I'm no expert).  That is what I've learned.

The fantasy is ...happily ever after.  And the truth, well, the truth is far more complicated than those three satisfying words.  The truth is joy through heartache, love through constant work, peace through conflict.  Even then, truth is more than that.  It's complication, timing, sacrifice, trust, fear, hope, failure, laughter and tears.  And even then, so much more.

For the longest time, I thought love was the fantasy; easy, romantic... the slow motion of her movements across the room, locking eyes and falling in a love that would last forever with nothing bad ever happening.  Ever.  What a fool I was.  But, I was young.  I wanted love and didn't know what that was.  I just wanted it.

Because of that, I failed a couple relationships.  I hurt and I was hurt.

But, I don't want to focus on failures.  At least not right now.  It's not the Where I've been I want to focus on, it's not the purpose for today.

The purpose for today is to share what I'm learning about myself and about the things that have saved me in my own journey.  

I learned that I longed for love from others but not from God and not from myself.  How fulfilled can you be when you don't love who created you or the person He created in you?  How can you possibly love another person when you hold yourself at such low esteem.  I learned that the hard way and am still learning that.  It's still hard for me to be loved and to feel worthy of that love, whether it's from myself, God or anyone else.  I think the one thing this world is exceptional at is tearing down the goodness we have in ourselves and replacing it with inadequacies, self hatred and worthlessness.  As C.S. Lewis described it in Perelandra, "All beautiful on the surface, but down inside-- darkness, heat, horror and stink."

So, I stopped looking in this world.  I spent years reworking how I felt (and sometimes I still feel it but as I've mentioned before, healing is a process of a lifetime) about myself and reconnecting with the beauty that I've been given in life.  It surrounds me and all of us every day! We just lose it because it gets drowned out by everything else in this world and we lose sight of where we were looking.  I started loving myself again.  I started feeling confidant in who I am.  I wasn't worried about who I was pleasing or not pleasing or offending or not offending, I wasn't worried about who would ever love me because I was slowly coming to realize that God really does love...me.

I gave up looking for the fulfillment of earthly love because I was filled with spiritual love.  His love.

Then, out of nowhere... There she was.  He sent me someone to share this life with whether I felt ready for it or not. And, what is most amazing about that?  She went through almost the exact same process as I did.  We worked to understand first God, then ourselves and others.  Simple as that.  

Love is redemption.  God loves all of us.  We love ourselves and each other because of that.

I am loved.  She is loved.  We are loved, all of us.  Because He is Love.

Brice