In the passing days of the last month of 2022 I find myself-- and i'm sure I'm not alone in this reflection-- a man sitting alone on a starless, windy night thinking of the past year. And thoughts of the past days and years of my life bound in right behind. it's only natural. I mean they are connected like links in a chain. It's all connected. Time is the thread and I'm like the puff of wind brushing along its length.
My mind tends to wander at these times and at night it's the worst. I lie awake, eyes wide open taking in the darkness of our bedroom and running the memories of what has been and continues to be my life. I watch the occasional dance of headlights over our ceiling as random late night voyagers pass by our home. I listen to the wind pound and whoosh and whisper. The flag on the front of our house flaps against those winds, helpless against it. The rings holding it to the pole rattled and work to keep it flowing. Always flowing.
In Sleeplessness, my mind shuffles a million little codes and bits of memories into nothing coherent. Just blips in time, pieces of memories of me in the life I've lived-- the life I continue to live. Perhaps, the mind needs to catch up sometimes. Maybe sometimes the memories are too many and the mind just stays awake to catch up. I mean, it's a pretty amazing piece of machinery, the brain. We know zilch about it's potential. But, we're only human and humans can only live one moment at a time. We're not time-travelers just yet. Unless, we can consider that our memories are windows into a past we are still living; an always constant and always moving line of time. It never ends and it's all connected along that thread.
The wind is dying down. The night is calm again.
Just like life on that thread. Always changing and always moving forward.
The end of another year is only days away but it's also the start of a new year. A new length of thread unwinds and stretches out for us to travel along.
It comes no matter what. Past, Present and all.
I'm not sure where exactly I was going with any of this but there it is. A peek into a sleepless night. A wandering mind tapped into random moments of the past while keeping a fine-tuned ear to what is here and what is coming. So much noise most times. So much silence in others.
I suppose I'll try to close my eyes. The night has quieted and the time may be right. Time doesn't stop but at least we can shut down and recharge when we need to. Staying awake wouldn't change anything anyway. You'd still get to where you're going at the exact time you get there anyway. Not sure that made sense but I'm keeping it there. Time will tell.
I suppose I'll try to close my eyes. I can feel them getting heavy. Not quite burning with exhaustion but definitely gaining a few pounds. I suppose I'll finish this up. I'll head upstairs and crawl on top of my heating blanket, lay my swaying head into my pillow and the, I suppose I'll try to close my eyes.
Sleeplessness will pave a way to sleep. Memories will be files away back into the folders and cabinets from whence they came and I will continue along the thread... one breath at a time.
I suppose I'll try to close my eyes.
