I remember that day...

    I received an early morning phone call, like so many other people that day. It was not normal and I knew as soon as I heard that something was not right. The voice on the other end was calm and gentle and I could tell it was also very cautious. She told me that something was happening in New York and that the Pentagon had a similar event just happen. She knew that my mother worked there and she very calmly said that she and several other friends and co-workers would be at her place watching for information on the news. She did not say it, but I knew they didn't want me to be alone. The invitation was caring.

    After I hung up, I knew deep down in my gut that this day would end for me one of two ways- with or without my mother. I had never been in a situation like this and had never lost any of my immediate family. My feelings were new. I calmly collected myself, said a little prayer while I gathered some cloths, grabbed something small to eat on the way, and headed over to her house where she and several other of my friends were already.
    I could see the caution in their eyes as I watched the footage of the second plane flying into the second tower. It was completely surreal and utterly unbelievable. My emotions were in check and buried deep. I had no idea what was going on or why something like that would be happening.
    I stood in front of that TV for what seemed an hour before hearing anything about what happened at the pentagon and when I did, the information was not clear. I quickly stepped outside and tried to call my mom, just to try it (you never know if something will work unless you try it) and got her voicemail. I left a message and hung up.

    The sky was empty and quiet. I had never seen that before and it was dreadful silence. I stood there only for a moment and just watched the emptiness, like the whole world was in a moment of silence and mourning for the loss of so many.

    I went back inside after maybe 15 or 20 minutes and watched for any updated information. I watched the events of September 11th over and over and over again, like I was stuck in some hell of repetitions that I would wish on no one. But, not much new on information. Hours and hours passed. It felt like time was frozen and we couldn't do anything about it. We just had to wait. I just had to wait.
    I finally got to the point where I couldn't watch the reports anymore so I went outside again and walked around a little bit, still waiting.

    My phone rings at about 5:30 pm or 6:00 pm and I looked at it to see if it was my mom. The screen said "Unknown Caller". It was either my mom calling from wherever she could, or it was someone else with nothing but bad news. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pushed the button to answer the call.

    "Brice? It's your mother."
    I sighed relief and took another deep breath.
    "Mom, I'm glad you're all right... Are you all right?"
    "Yes. I'm fine. I'm sorry I couldn't call you before now, but we had to evacuate and I've been stuck in masses of people trying to walk home. It's been a horrible. I just wanted to call and let you know i'm all right.
    "OK. I'm glad you're OK."
    "I'm going to let someone else use my phone to call some of their people, so i'll call you later tonight, all right?"
    "Ya, that's fine mom."
    "I love you, Brice."

    Deep breath.

    "I love you, too, mom. Be safe."

    She hung up and I listened to the dial tone for a moment. I hung up and looked back up to that silent sky and as the sun began to set, I cried. I cried for everyone who would not get the phone call I just did, I cried for those who were lost, and I cried for that sunset.

    I will always remember that day...

Silence

Without a word I walk to the edge of the field and stop to take in its solitude. I close my eyes, I breath in the passing wind and smell the slight aroma of burning wood and the dust of the long grass. The trees sway in the distance that surrounds me with a high pitched whisper that only God can understand but I feel like it's an invitation-- a small calling of my name perhaps-- to stand among them.

I open my eyes and step past the edge of the field and enter into it, walking slowly into the wealth of the world. The long grasses tickle my calves with their blessing and reach up for the tips of my fingers. Without knowing I do so, I reach down to meet them.

As I come to the center of the field, I slow myself and slowly lower my self to the ground. I sit in the long grasses. I hear the trees beckoning me to come. The smell of the earth closer now, so vibrant and alive. I can feel it around me and when I close my eyes again and listen-- really listen-- I hear the voice of God. I can hear it through the entirety of my body and soul. The voice speaks but I can't understand it. I can only hear it pass through me like fire.

I get lost in that voice. I get lost in the silence of the world it created around me. 

I get lost and I know I am whole.

I am a child again.

Birds fly over me. Smaller critters play and forage through the grass and along the tree tops. Deer watch the child get lost in the field with hardly an interest. The sky burns bright blue and slowly sleeps as the day wears on, turning dim as the hours pass away and the time for night takes its place.

Still I sit in silence. Still, I hear that voice.

Still a child.

The Year We Went Without

 

Of all the things we've lost the privilege of doing over the debacle of the last year, I just want to take a few minutes to focus on one-- going to the movies.

Man, I miss it. 

I miss the excitement of seeing a trailer for something really good and when the text of "Coming Soon to a Theater near you" or better yet a date of its release showed up on that massive silver screen I just wanted to transport myself right then and there. 

I would count down the days.

I'd find me a movie buddy who wanted to see a particular movie and we would make the plan. We would stake our claim to which theater, what day we wanted to go see it and whether or not we wanted to do two movies.

The day would come and I'd make my way there. I'd park my car and walk up to the huge building that played out all the magic Hollywood could muster. I'd pay for my ticket and walk through those glass doors with a little bit of pep in my step. The excitement would fester and grow.

Sometimes I'd grab a drink. Sometimes I wouldn't. That wasn't were the magic was. The magic started at what came next.

The first magical moment for me was always that initial step through the doors to the specific theater for the movie. I'd walk out of the crowds, out of the concessions, and into the darkness of another coming world. The long hallway would lead me into the theater and it would open up to an ocean of seats, all facing the huge silver screen. 

That was where other worlds began.

That was where we would be taken to for ninety to a hundred and forty or so minutes. It could be shorter or longer bits of time but none of that mattered. It was the places we would go. The people we would become and the lives we would live. 

For me, Movies would remind me of what it was to be human. They would remind me that Good does overcome Evil. They would tell me again and again that there are things so beautiful and large in this world that I would ache to see them.

It was the story that always lifted me out of that seat at the end of the movie. It was the story that rolled around through my mind for hours or days or even weeks after. It was the stories that saved me so many years ago. All the stories that came to me at the right place and time.

This year was different. Something changed and so many things were suddenly taken from us. 

I can only hope that change is temporary. 

Someday soon I hope I can have that same excitement of going to the movies with no fear and no mandate. I just want to be free again. Free to watch movies.

We've been without so many things for so long now. I miss this one. 

I hope the world that we knew returns. 

We are better together as a part of of the world rather than separated from it.

I'm looking forward to being in the theater again. I'm ready to watch me some movies again.

 

A Short Story: Gone

"I've looked everywhere!" he screamed into the empty room-- talking solely to himself, as he always did when he was flustered and confused.  The room was mostly dark except for a desk lamp and the flames licking and cracking along in the fireplace, making the shadows in the room dance against the cold gray walls.

He tossed aside paperwork from his simple sized desk, pushed a second small silver desk lamp dispassionately to the floor-- the dim light bulb burst with a sick pop and flash of light-- and pulled out drawer after drawer until the last one was overturned, contents spilled onto the dark brown shag carpet; papers, pens, notepads, everything lay across the thick fibers.  It wasn't there.

Where is it?! Think!  

His faded blue eyes, glazed over in confusion, darted around the room; up and through every bookshelf, every nook, and every dark little cranny.  His breathing stuttered with worry and his chest was tight.  He ran his hands back over his head, pulling his long graying hair from his eyes and then back to a pointed peak under his nose and over his mouth. His eyes were closed, trying to walk himself through where he last had it or at the very least where he had last seen it. 

His heart thumped hard inside of him. A realization washed through him with deep anxiety and he knew that the thing he was looking for was another thing he could not remember. My god, what is it? What am I looking for? It was right here... and right on the tip of my tongue. DAMMIT! His eyes wondered over the room and recognized nothing. The books on the shelves with titles he could read but could not place. Had he read them? Were they even his?

Where am I?  God help me!  WHERE IS IT?! I must find it. 

A feeling of some great importance had been attached to the thing he was looking for but he could not remember what it was. The anxious ball in his gut grew and his fingers and limbs trembled. He could not control himself and suddenly, tears filled his eyelids and ran over them, down his gaunt cheekbones.

A door to the room swing open in a rush and the shadow of a person stood before him. Who they were to him, he did not know. There was nothing recognizable to their features. They looked on him with what seemed a great sadness and pity but he did not know if they knew him. He could not place the face or a name. They spoke out but he did not recognize the voice or even the words. He did not understand what they were saying to him. 

He recognized nothing. He fell to the floor and squeezed his knees tight into his chest. Everything was nothing. He cried there, alone in the dark. Everything was swallowed into the darkness.

He was lost.

Gone.