Where I've Been, Part Three: Something Beautiful

"We learn about love... by loving."

-Paulo Coelho

This is a love story on multiple levels.  We all have one but this one is two and they are mine.  All mine.

Six long years ago, I was in the dark.  I lost my job of nearly a decade and with it my whole community of friendships from where I lived at the time, my relationship was crashing down around me and I didn't know how to put the pieces back together, I didn't know how to fix that which had been so broken.  I was alone and devastated with failure upon failure.  I hated myself and in my self-pity and worthlessness, I slowly loosened my grip on God, letting Him slowly slip away into the darkness of my memory.  I felt very...alone.

I had placed my self-worth in a group of people, in a job, in a romance; everywhere it wasn't ultimately important.  These weren't the things that made me the man I was.  These weren't the things that sustained me or made me whole.  These weren't the things to give me purpose or direction.  I thought they were but I was mistaken.  These were only the things that I chose to give my everything to.  I had no room left for the one thing that mattered.

That one true thing that mattered, I had ignored and pushed aside.  I took it for granted and I suffered for it (not meaning in any way, shape or form that I was punished... i don't believe that at all... only that not having it made every other thing lacking).  Every other thing had become lacking.  What I needed was my relationship with my Creator.  Again.

At every turn of my back, He sought me out.  Again and again.  When I pushed from him, He continued to seek me and wait with hopeful and open arms.

I came back.  His love never failed me.  I failed Him and yet... He still loves.  In my darkness, He still sees me beautiful and worthy.  He still longs to know me fully.  There is nothing I can do to lose Him.

So, I changed my focus.  I talked to Him more and more, sharing my concerns, my hopes and dreams, my romantic heart.  And He listened.  My self-worth now is in how He sees me and how I understand He sees me.

This was my first love story.

My second came not so long from the heels of the first.  I had come to a belief that perhaps a romantic, earthly love wasn't something for me.  I thought that maybe I was far too broken in far too many places to ever be loved fully.  And, I had come to an emotional place where I was truly all right with being alone (I mean, one can live an amazing and fulfilling life by themselves and history holds many as examples of this).  I was ready to be used and ready to find a path suited for me and me alone.

Then, quite literally like a dream, she walked in.

Just when I had stopped looking, there she was.  My heart started to pound a little harder and my breath became erratic.  I was nervous and excited and wanted to know everything I could know about her.  We met briefly that first night and the memory of the other was stuck in our minds.  We fell in love.  God is a God of miracles.

It was something beautiful.

Now, I find myself on the cusp of my own (our own) wedding.  God has blessed us.  We sought Him out and continue to seek Him.  He gave us Himself and each other.  Amazing.

I never believed in love stories until I was fortunate enough to experience what His true love was capable of.

I am loved.
She is loved.

We are lucky ones and we are loved.

Brice

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Lost in Hollywood

Philip Seymour Hoffman.  Born July 23rd, 1967.  And died February 2, 2014.  

I liked Philip Seymour Hoffman ever since I saw him in what he called his true "break out role", Scent of a Woman.  It was a small, character role, but man, he was really good.  He stood out among many as a great future talent.  And that's exactly what he became.

His characters were diverse, full of emotion and honest.  His career was broad, playing lovable comedic sidekicks (Along Came Polly) to one of the best aggressive and menacing bad guys in recent films (Mission: Impossible 3) to the gentle and observant (Capote).  Of course those aren't the only movies to really use as examples of his talent, just his diversity.  In 2005, he won the Academy Award for his title role in Capote.  And, it was very well deserved.

He was known, respected and honored by many.  I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.  And, unfortunately, his Hollywood death by drug overdose is not a shock to anyone.  That is sad.  Is this what we've come to expect from Hollywood, the talented artist and the passionate dreamer?

I've read a lot about Philip Seymour Hoffman's passing and there is a lot of opinions going around but there was one facebook post that summed up mostly what i'm hearing.  

"...Stop blaming the dreamer for wanting to dream.  For all we know, their careers [referring to others who also died in excess] and loves may have ended much sooner if they hadn't have found the crutches that eventually crippled them.  The peace they felt in their highest moments is exactly what I wish them..."

The idea of this bothers me.  

It bothers me that there is an overwhelming opinion that the addiction that killed him is ok because it was his crutch; just something to help him achieve his best performance and his dreams.  I'm sorry but that is ridiculous.  Why can't we believe that true dreams and talent are already within us?  Are we so blind to the gifts we are given that we can't see them? 

The article went on to say that his addiction is a disease that no one can understand and that it was not a selfish act, dying in such a way.  Again, I'm sorry.  But, I understand addiction.  Actually, many people do.  It is nothing but selfish.  He chose escape over living with and facing his problems.  And he chose a needle over giving his children a father.  It sounds simplistic but it's not.  It's a choice. 

"The greatest burden we have to carry in life is self; the most difficult thing we have to manage is also self." -Hannah Whitall Smith

I respect and love Philip Seymour Hoffman's work.  He always had a kind smile and was a good person .  Of that, I have no doubt.  He had success I'll never know, worked with some of Hollywood's most talented and accomplished more than many people could in his career.  And, still, he was dissatisfied and empty.  He was alone.  I'm sad at his loss.  And, for his children.  Unlike the writer of the post above, I believe Philip Seymour Hoffman had a lot more work to accomplish.  His talent was too large for anything less.

It's ok to be disappointed and mad at the decisions he made.  It's also ok to be sympathetic to his struggles and his addiction.  

We can mourn the loss of another great actor.  

As I've been looking through the articles and pictures of him online, and there I saw him a little differently-- I noticed a compassionate soul with a little sadness behind those eyes.  I wish he would have made a different choice.  I wish he would have put down his needle and reached out again for help.  I wish he was still here... and working... and happy.

Here are some of my favorite roles of his:  Doubt, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, Mission: Impossible 3, Capote, Along Came Polly, Cold Mountain, 25th Hour, Almost Famous, Magnolia, The Big Lebowski, Boogie Nights, and Scent of a Woman.

Rest in Peace, Mr. Hoffman.

Brice

The World in Slow Motion

The world bustles around, being busy and planning and doing and moving.  It's humbling when we can't.  Sometimes, we are forced to stop-- to slow down and rest.

Today, in Kansas City, is one of those days.  A snow storm covers us and has brought the city to a slow crawl.  Schools are out and many businesses are closed.  The snow still falls, dense and quick, accumulating over everything.  It's beautiful.

So, what do we do when we are forced to slow, when we are forced to rest?  Are we restless?  Do we try to keep moving while hating every minute of being stuck wherever we are?  Do we catch up on our chores and clean our homes?

I am. I do and I did...lol.

What then?

What do you do?  Do you rest?  Do you focus on taking a breath? Is it possible to empty your mind and enjoy the quiet moments of days like today?

The world is in fact a busy place.  It can overwhelm and overtake your focus from more important things.  It can distract.  I remembered that this morning as I forced myself to take a walk.

I am fortunate enough to live and take care of a farm in southeast Kansas City.  It's slightly more than 40 acres, half open and half wooded.  It's beautiful and peaceful.  And on days like today, I'm forced to slow down and really look at what's surrounding me.

So, I took a walk this morning as the snow fell fast.  My feet crunched on the fresh fallen 4 inches as I walked back into a deep part of the wooded property and I found a quiet spot on a fallen tree and sat down.  I closed my eyes.  The cold specks of snow pattering against my face and clothes; my breath, a cloudy puff at every exhale.  And silence.  Rest.  I could almost hear the snow settle to the ground but not quite.  It was beautiful.  I sat there, in that beauty, for what must have been close to an hour.  I walked around a little more, just watching and observing.

God slowed things down.

He gave a day where I'd have to stop and be reminded that I can't always run.  Sometimes, I have to walk.  Sometimes, I have to rest.  Sometimes, we have to remember what life can be outside the ebb and the flow and the rush of it.

Sometimes, we need to just be in a world slowed down.  Rest.

Brice