"We learn about love... by loving."
-Paulo Coelho
Six long years ago, I was in the dark. I lost my job of nearly a decade and with it my whole community of friendships from where I lived at the time, my relationship was crashing down around me and I didn't know how to put the pieces back together, I didn't know how to fix that which had been so broken. I was alone and devastated with failure upon failure. I hated myself and in my self-pity and worthlessness, I slowly loosened my grip on God, letting Him slowly slip away into the darkness of my memory. I felt very...alone.
I had placed my self-worth in a group of people, in a job, in a romance; everywhere it wasn't ultimately important. These weren't the things that made me the man I was. These weren't the things that sustained me or made me whole. These weren't the things to give me purpose or direction. I thought they were but I was mistaken. These were only the things that I chose to give my everything to. I had no room left for the one thing that mattered.
That one true thing that mattered, I had ignored and pushed aside. I took it for granted and I suffered for it (not meaning in any way, shape or form that I was punished... i don't believe that at all... only that not having it made every other thing lacking). Every other thing had become lacking. What I needed was my relationship with my Creator. Again.
At every turn of my back, He sought me out. Again and again. When I pushed from him, He continued to seek me and wait with hopeful and open arms.
I came back. His love never failed me. I failed Him and yet... He still loves. In my darkness, He still sees me beautiful and worthy. He still longs to know me fully. There is nothing I can do to lose Him.
So, I changed my focus. I talked to Him more and more, sharing my concerns, my hopes and dreams, my romantic heart. And He listened. My self-worth now is in how He sees me and how I understand He sees me.
This was my first love story.
My second came not so long from the heels of the first. I had come to a belief that perhaps a romantic, earthly love wasn't something for me. I thought that maybe I was far too broken in far too many places to ever be loved fully. And, I had come to an emotional place where I was truly all right with being alone (I mean, one can live an amazing and fulfilling life by themselves and history holds many as examples of this). I was ready to be used and ready to find a path suited for me and me alone.
Then, quite literally like a dream, she walked in.
Just when I had stopped looking, there she was. My heart started to pound a little harder and my breath became erratic. I was nervous and excited and wanted to know everything I could know about her. We met briefly that first night and the memory of the other was stuck in our minds. We fell in love. God is a God of miracles.
It was something beautiful.
Now, I find myself on the cusp of my own (our own) wedding. God has blessed us. We sought Him out and continue to seek Him. He gave us Himself and each other. Amazing.
I never believed in love stories until I was fortunate enough to experience what His true love was capable of.
I am loved.
She is loved.
We are lucky ones and we are loved.
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